Happy New Year!

You probably haven't seen me around in a while. I was frequenting sites like Twitter almost daily and suddenly vanished?

The truth is, life hasn't exactly been good this year. Far from it.

Let's get the big thing out there first: my mom's been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Technically, she was diagnosed 2 years ago but the struggle has been going on for what feels like 10 years.

She started this year having a companion around with her all times (when it wasn't my dad with her), but the conversation of her being admitted to more commited care came up quickly, and she was admitted to residential memory care over the Summer.
It's been rough, to say the least, and my relationship with my mom wasn't exactly stellar before this. However, she's at the point she not only most likely forgets anything traumatic that's happened between her and me or my brothers, but she soesn't seem to remember ever being upset or having tensions with me.
She used to get pissed off at whatever I did; now she sheds tears of happiness whenever she sees me, or any of us, and it's mentally screwing with me. Ultimately at this point I just want to push any past issues aside and just visit her as much as possible. Having resentment isn't really gonna help any part of this, for me.

None of this is mentally going over well, and it's starting to really affect me. Around the beginning of the year, I noticed I've started lashing out more or just not completely thinking over what I say, way moreso than before, and it's not sitting well with me. It started seeping online, and out of remorse, I logged off and ended up distancing myself. The fear of giving in to the cycle I spent so much time and effort trying to break suddenly became a real terror I didn't want to happen. In more positive-ish news, I left my fast food job and started online college! It's been tougher than I was hoping, and I'm already getting anxiety trying to juggle everything, but I feel like I'm learning something. If all goes well, the degree is for Game Art/Developent! However, the lack of having a job and a daily routine I had to physically commit to feels like it's unravelling some progress. (Not to mention my former workplace just temporarily closed for strange reasons so I'm pondering the validity of my experience for the past 2 years.)

Overall, I feel like this year has been more regressive than progressive, I almost feel like I'm reaching back where I was during lockdowns (not well). I've been falling behind on my own care and it's really starting to affect everything around me. There's chunks of the year I honestly don't remember anymore.

In the meantime, I'll come back and work on this site. I've been lurking on some other sites, so maybe I'll add links in the future. I don't know if I'm ready to fully return everywhere yet -- I don't even know what tomorrow will bring -- but for now, I'll at least be here.

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January 1, 2025 10PM EST
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